Confessions of a Not-So-Teenage Drama Queen

My roommate told me I'm dramatic. In everything I do or say. A little of this is said tongue in cheek, but truthfully, I'd have to say she's right. Question is: How did I get this way? Is this an inherant characteristic or was it shaped by my environment? Got some classic nature vs. nurture debate going on here. The only thing is, I don't know exactly which side I could support more.

I've been rather introspective lately, due to some re-evaluation of my life after doubting myself after yet another relationship debacle (Thank you Jenny, for reintroducing me to that fantastic word). I am such a goober. I think I'm ready for the world and then I realized how unprepared I am.

My roommate (the same one how told me I'm dramatic) and I have been talking a lot. She's very forthright with me and tells me exactly how she sees it. She tells me that I ward off guys that I think that I don't like, and that I always say bad things about and to myself concerning lots of things: body image, relationships, friendships, etc. I am really hard on myself, and make it deliberately that way.

Do I do it to put more drama in my life, because I'm a drama addict? Or do I put it as a safeguard against my true feelings which I hardly ever express to others? I really don't know. There's gonna be a lot of soulsearching going on this summer. Which is a good thing. I have spent most of my life trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, so it would be a good thing to find the person in my inmost core.

Well, I started to write because I was still wired from my nap today, and I am finally getting tired. Until next time, I'm signing off, hopefully to come back a more well-rounded me.

Mad World

I swear I am verifably insane. Mad in many senses of the word. I know that I only ever write on my blog to vent about boys, but it's more private than Facebook, and not very many people read it. I need to vent about my latest and "greatest," so if you don't care to continue reading you can stop now.

I had been head over heels for a boy that I am really good friends with for a long time, and then I finally got some closure with that (Thank goodness). However, whilst I was pining away over this guy, my roommates and close friends were all trying to steer in a new direction.

They said that I should totally date this guy who we saw often in our circle of friends. I was still trying to get over Boy #1, so I said I'd think about it, but as I began to hang out with him more, I really enjoyed his company. Thus the crush began.

He's not the best boy I've wanted to date, nor the worst, but he makes me laugh, and enjoys a lot of the things that I do. He's a lot different than a lot of the boys I've liked in the past, but I found that that wasn't as big of deal as it used to be. I felt like he was paying more attention to me, and I found that I enjoyed it greatly, but I should have known that this was just him being him. He's a shameless flirt. Red flag anyone?

Now that I've started being invested, I was seeking his company out more, and I guess I'm a little too much. I am also now realizing that he's more interested in my roommate than me. Go figure. Either that, or he is now uncomfortable with me because he realizes my interest,and like a wiggedy boy is running away while still shamelessly flirting with other girls. My gut tells me the first one is more correct, and it's rarely wrong.

AAAAAAAGHHHH! Why can't I ever pick a guy that is interested in me?!?!?!?!? Why? Why? Why? Why? Okay. I'm done. Whatever.

Celtic and Gaelic. From Ball, a place, a round elevation; and ard, high. The Gaelic word Ballart signifies noisy, boasting. Bal also signifies a lord, and ard, high.

Today's a Good One

Today is such a good day. I wanted to listen to this song over and over again.




It's kind of a weird music video, but the lyrics are what are important.

So, to make me feel this way:

1. I found out I can teach at the ELC this summer as a paid job! It's a guarantee they give to all of the students who finish the practicum, and I didn't know that until today. I actually will have a summer job!

2. A tough situation at work which was super stressful blew over today. It made me happy that there wasn't a lot of conflict or issues with the parties involved, and everybody is still employed, so it's great!

3. I got positive reviews on my teaching observation from a man that I really respect and admire. He told me, (direct quote) "You are meant to be in a classroom, Sarah." He also told me that he would be happy to have a student like me in his Master's Program. He gave some constructive criticism, but he did it in a way that I felt uplifted and happy, and I didn't feel like I had let him down or done horribly.

4. I get an awesome tax return this year. I love being able to have independent status this year! Best tax return ever.

5. Because of the previous point, I can nestle away that return in my savings account, so I can start building up funds for a car. Yay, I'm going to be that much closer to buying a car!

All of these things = happy. Like I am today.

Fuzzy

No, not the texture. The inability to see/understand things. It's a concept that we use over and over again in my semantics class. We don't know how to define meaning and what meaning's core truly is. How can you define that? I for sure don't know.

I can't even define what is happening in my own life right now.

A question I have been getting quite frequently these days: "Have you applied for the master's program?" Or a good variant, "You haven't applied for the master's program?"

And the verdict is: not yet. Yes, the deadline's passed, I realize this. But I still plan on applying, just not yet.

I didn't feel good about applying for it right now, and when I don't feel good about things, it's a pretty good indicator that God is trying to guide me in another direction. I just don't know what direction that is exactly, especially because this puts me out for an entire year.

Another thing: Just letting you know, (which you probably know anyways) relationships are not only fuzzy, they're messy.

I am in a rather difficult situation at the present. I expressed my feelings to a guy that I count as one of my good friends, and it's really up in the air right now. He initially told me that he didn't want anything to ruin our great friendship, which led me to believe that he only thinks of me as a friend. It hurt, I had my cry, but I was liberated by the fact that I now knew where we stood.

But he asked me to talk with him again this last week, and the parameters have shifted, and I'm not standing on solid ground anymore. He didn't say he was interested, but he wasn't sure if he wasn't. I'm dealing with a very confused guy here. We're close, but guess he has to decide whether our friendship can only be just that, or if he's looking for something else.

What are my plans? I don't know. What's going to happen next? I really don't know.

It's all really, really fuzzy.

Find and Replace

As for an update on my life, just use the find and replace tool on this blog post: http://austenaficienado.blogspot.com/2010/07/one-date-wendy-and-year-of-set-up.html. Just replace "One-Date-Wendy" with "Two-Date-Tessa," and the "Year of the Set-Up" to "Relationship Failure." Nothing has changed much, particularly looking back at this excerpt.

Sometimes I wonder if I have too positive of outlooks after dates, when I should be more analytical of what happened. I think, "That date was great! We had a lot in common, we talked a lot, laughed, had a good time...", but then in the end, it's a dead end.

I don't understand. If I feel a connection, doesn't that mean that there's gotta be another side to the connection (particularly coming from him)? Or does it mean that I'm kind of a charismatic leech oblivious to the guys furiously trying to shake me off?

So, yeah, happy day. It's such a beautiful explosion, is it not?

This made me happy today

I love this song so much. And I love Frederica Von Stade's interpretation of it.

Classical Music Kick

Ever since seeing The Magic Flute a little less than a month ago, I've been falling in love with classical music again. BYU's production was wonderful, quite professional for being a college production. It made me remember how much I love opera, and how much I miss singing it as well. I started YouTubing classical pieces (particularly the arias and duets) from The Magic Flute, and found this wonderful singer, Edda Moser.



And this singer, Diana Damrau.



I started a classical music station on my Pandora account. I listen to it all of the time now, especially when I'm doing homework. Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Chopin, Rachmaninoff...I love them! Fantastico!

I pulled my music off the shelf, and dusted it off. My roommate is going to bring home a small keyboard, and I couldn't be happier! I feel like I'll truly get to bring out a part of me that has been stifled for a long time. It will make a much happier me, seeing as I will now have an outlet for a lot of my frustration.

Oh music, I love and miss you. Please come back to stay. :)