Black + White

I find that life is never absolute.
The shades of life are too many and too great.
There’s simply color after color bleeding into another.
With people calling out for the glory days, the olden days.
Where life was simple and clear cut.
The silver screen and golden age, classic films were classic times
Looking at the crackly screens of bygones,
It brings to mind–who decided to call them black and white?
I see nothing but grays – muddy, murky.
There’s simply color after color bleeding into another.

*This is a poem that I wrote in a 10 minute free write at my friend Josh's poetry night yesterday. It's not perfect, but I still like it. Our poetry group started a blog where we post our original poetry. Go here if you  want to check it out: http://putpoetryhere.blogspot.com

The Longing Inside of All of Us

Due to some recent conversations with my mother and also a good friend of mine, I have been thinking a lot about the nature of relationships and why we feel the gamut of emotions that we do when we are falling in and out of love, getting our hearts broken, and pining for the ones that we lose. There are such extremes in these emotions, and one day we can be walking around with our heads in the clouds and the next we can have our own personal rain-clouds pouring out bad thoughts and feelings for us to think over and over again. Whether or not you have someone that you are romantically interested in, there is always a certain feeling that people have. The best way that I can describe it is longing.

In my almost 26 years, most of the heartache I've felt had to deal with longing. But longing for what? People might say that it's just a biological, animal urge that people have to find a mating partner. I don't believe that. Pure physicality does not even come close to describing the longing that I and others have felt. I did a Google Image search just typing in the word longing, and it came up with a lot of various images--none of which I thought were overtly sexual in nature. This affirmed to me what I already believed, that longing is much more than physical.

While I was thinking about these things, I remembered this animation project that I saw on YouTube last year. It's called Thought of You and it was animated by Ryan Woodward (The song is World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies, if you want to know). It is beautifully crafted and wonderful to watch. Many of the viewers have their own interpretation, but when I watch it, the feeling of longing overwhelms me. This is perfect depiction of the emotions that I feel. 

The man looks for the ghostly woman who slips through his fingers at every turn. As someone who has loved and lost, my heart reaches out to the man who just cannot attain what he seeks. The beauty of this short is the bittersweet empathy we feel due to the imagery and the music. Longing is an innate attribute, and I believe it is present in every human being. If there wasn't that longing inside of every person, I don't believe that we could emotionally connect to art such as this, nor would it be able to come into existence.

When you are longing, you feel like you are not whole, that there is a part of you that is missing. I know that everyone wonders at one point in time if they will be with a person who completes them. However, there is so much more to it. There is a spiritual and emotional part which goes beyond the need for companionship. It has to do with being complete as a human being. Completeness is a strong urge in all of us. There is always the drive to get to a state where we are fulfilled and happy. It's been a strong motivation in the history of the world. In a conversation that I had with my mother, she said that "we are all creatures desperate for completion...that's what keeps us pressing forward."

Longing. It's complex; it's beautiful; it's painful; it's human; it's real.

For Jane

Elizabeth, with your fine eyes and wit,

have not only captivated the proud Mr. Darcy,

but millions around the world.

Your striking and independent thoughts are not your own.

They belonged to one whose life was led by her wit,

Able to laugh at those who didn't understand the world

like she.

Mr. Darcy, would you be so proud if knew

the circumstances from which you came?

You may not be able to look on without abhorrence.

Your wealth, station, and impressive lineage

Are all part of an intricate world conceived by

a mere rector's daughter.

Tell me, Mr. Collins, whose patronage should you serve above all,

Who you should thrust your bumbling compliments on

The one whom you should acquiesce your very speech,

and at every turn revere?

Nay, not Lady Catherine,

but your creator:

Miss Austen, the woman with the clever, biting quill.

Times and Seasons

Biting into the fruit,
Deep red juices staining our lips,
We eat one after another.
"Don't you think that strawberries just taste like sunshine?"
My mother asks me.
Smiling, not quite understanding,
I nod, grin ready on my face.

Another time and another season.

A long summer's day is coming to its close.
We sit out on our covered porch.
The sky is filled with dusty orange, rose, and plum,
A lovely yet unearthly mixture.
"Isn't nature amazing?" she asks.
I feel a sense of rightness to the moment,
A small stirring enters my soul.
I answer yes.

Another time and another season.

Leaves of red and orange flame are starkly set
Against the periwinkle sky.
The crisp air gives us a small taste
Of the impending frost.
"Being outside is invigorating to the soul, wouldn't you say?"
She asks me out in the yard.
I take in the contrasting intense beauty,
My being is touched, moved.
I bask in the moment.

Another time and another season.

The snow is falling, huge flakes
The size of a fist.
They float like feathers
Falling in communal silence,
Each with their own pattern and sparkling delight.
"Do you feel God in nature?"
My mother asks me.
The beauty of winter is captivating,
Delight reaches from my head to my toes.
I understand.

Strawberries as sunshine,
Warm blends of sunset color,
Brilliant contrasts of leaves and sky,
Quiet snowflakes falling.

She doesn't feel God in nature.
She knows God in nature.
And now, so do I.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 -- To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven

Flipped!

I read the book Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen recently (okay, not that recent, like the beginning of April), and I absolutely loved it. For those of you who haven't read it, it's a dual voiced book telling the story of Bryce Loski and Juli Baker from both of their perspectives ('one chapter him, one chapter her' type of thing, but they are using the same time frame). It's set mainly in junior high, but it has some build up from when they are younger. Because it's supposedly a 'teen romance' novel, I shied away from it for a while.

The premise is that Juli from her youngest years is crazy about Bryce, and he thinks she's nothing less than a pest. But there are some events that happen which change their feelings for each other to the complete opposite of what they were before, hence the whole "flipped" thing.

Yes, there is a romance element to the story, but I felt a few deeper messages pervading the novel. You shouldn't judge others on what you believe to be true (whether it is or not). Another I found was similar to the theme of Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli, that although not usually popular, you can learn to love life best from a genuine and unique person.

I found it more of a coming of age story than a teen romance, but it was very good nonetheless (and probably because it wasn't what it seemed).

Now.
I didn't really write this because of my love of childrens literature, but because I realized how "flipped" my own observations and outlook on life have become.

So...the boy at work who I thought it might be good to take on a date and get to know better?
He has a girlfriend. And might have when I asked him on a date. Or was about to. I don't know, it doesn't make sense to me because I would think that he might not have said 'yes' if he been dating his girlfriend. But he's supposedly has been dating her since February.

My life is like Juli Baker's. Totally skewed on what reality was. After I mulled over it for a couple of days, I realized some things like: why he wouldn't really talk to me after our date, why it was so hard to bring up conversation for a long time...ugh. Yeah.

And then I realized that it wasn't going anywhere, but then he started asking me for rides all of the time. And we had good conversation. Like he enjoyed being around me. Dang. So I'm flipped (and maybe he is a little as well, but not as much as Bryce Loski).

(This was probably supposed to have been written about a month ago, but shhhh, don't tell. I'll catch you up on the other amazing :S aspects of my life soon)

Some Excellent News but also Confessions of an Insecure Female

Warning: this may sound like a pity pot to some of you, but I'm only writing this to let my emotions out. Take what you will from it.

I've been feeling rather insecure lately. I don't know why it happens so often. I start doubting myself and others' judgment of me with a severely critical eye. I lose faith in what people think about me (which shouldn't happen anyway, because the only thing that should matter is what my Heavenly Father thinks of me), and I begin thinking about all of the bad habits and behaviors I have and perpetuate in my life . I think that I have far too many to correct and that no one will want to put up with that.

Most of what I just said is rubbish, and I know that many people love me and love to be around me. But I guess I get down on myself the most when I've put myself in a vulnerable spot. Which I just have.

I went a on a date recently, a.k.a. my "miracle of miracles" mentioned in my last post. It was with the guy from work. I actually asked him out, due to a fortunate change of plans. I had planned to go with my sister to a Divine Comedy (a BYU improv group) show this past Friday, but then she couldn't go with me, so I thought, "Hey, I could ask ______ (insert tall, cute, and nice boy from work's name) to go with me, and it would be really casual, and it would actually give me a chance to get to know him better!"

I was super nervous to ask him, mostly because I hadn't asked a boy on a date since the summer after my Senior year of high school. I managed to still ask him in a fairly (I think, at least) collected manner, and he not only accepted, but offered to make/take me out to dinner beforehand. He also had to cancel some plans he had with his sister, but he didn't seem like that would be too much of a problem. I came home from work elated, really looking forward to the date.

So we went out. And it was a really good date. But I'm not sure if it was a fantastic one (aka: come away from it knowing that it will go somewhere). I came away from it thinking that he was even cooler than I thought he was before, and besides being really attracted to him and knowing that he's a gentleman, I also think that he would an awesome friend.

But I have no idea what he thought of it. And it's causing me to mentally bash my head against the wall, because I don't. People have been asking me, "Hey, did he say, 'Let's do something again'?", to which I can honestly say, "No, he didn't." The people I've talked to then kind of don't know what to say after that. And neither do I.

I still will see him for the next 6 weeks at work, and I think that I could actually talk to him now (haha, I'm so dumb sometimes), but I really like him and I don't even know if he'd like me for a friend.

So, my mind takes me back to my insecurities. Where I feel like I'm so weird and unattractive sometimes (or always, haha). I know it's because I've put myself on the line. It's like I'm on a podium advertising myself, but I'm not quite sure that I'm a good investment. I've gotta get out of this rut. I need to be okay with being on the line, being a little insecure, and feeling a little vulnerable.

I found an old blog post from about 7 months ago, which is really appropriate for now. My feelings about vulnerability haven't changed much from then. Only now, I'm not safeguarding my heart like I did back then. It's a scary feeling, but the weirdest part is: I really want to want to be vulnerable, as least regarding putting myself out there. It's no fun to be sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone play but you. I'm not that kind of girl anymore, I want to live life, and not just let it pass me by. Phew. Sigh. Ugh. I dunno.

Restless

I'm feeling really restless lately. I have been content for so long, but now I feel like I don't know what I should be doing, or where I should be.

I know that I'm in the biggest limbo right now, waiting to find out whether or not I've gotten into grad school, and graduated, and all that implies. Thanks to a wonderful friend, I do have a job right now, but it's only two nights a week. So, I'm only working for 6 hours a week usually.

I want to do new things, and meet new people, and get out of this bubble/ivory tower/shell I've been in/built up/crawled into. I don't know if a change in location would fix it, or if I need to change my attitude.

I've been at my Grandma's for almost a week now, and I've liked the changes of increased freedom by way of having a car, and having cell phone service, but I still keep to myself. I've been in the house by myself most of the evenings, puttering around. I talked to my mom, and she was surprised, saying, "I thought you'd be making plans every night and hanging out with friends all of the time!"

This would be the case, except for that means I have to plan everything still. There's not a whole lot of spontaneity going on. I miss being able to walk to a friend's apartment, and say, "Hey, I'm doing nothing, you're doing nothing, let's go do something/go somewhere" or something along that line.

In short, I'm restless. And I don't know how to get out of this itchy/wanderlust/nagging feeling I'm experiencing.

I need some change.

Blogging? What's That?

Apparently that is what my brain says. Because it's been almost three months since my last blog, and it hasn't phased me until this point. I don't know why, but I feel obligated to write about what I feel are important things in my life, and for the last three months, I haven't felt like I've had any life-shattering experience that would be awesome to share with anyone that reads my blog. But now I've realized: Blogs aren't necessarily for the readers, they're more for the writer.

I mean, a blog can be amusing, especially if you can convey emotion in your writing, but I think I fail at humor writing. I'd rather write the deep thoughts swirling around in my brain. I write poetry that no one reads, and write about cool things that might happen, rather than the actual events which I've experienced. I've made a goal to actually tell you what I've been up to, rather than sidestep reality.

#1 Thing - I've officially graduated from BYU. Yay, let's pull out the party hats. Except I haven't walked yet, so no one even knows. Sometimes I have a hard time thinking I have. The only things that even make me believe that I've done it are the fact that the diploma is framed on my wall, and the fact that I now only have a part time job, and no classes or homework to stress about.

#2 Thing - As mentioned above, I actually found a part time job with Alpine School District in January. I teach English to adults who are second language learners (like an ESL setting). I have on average about 15 students that come, and I teach them on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. They are so cool, and I'm always energized when I get home, because they make teaching fun for me.

Side Note: I need to brag about them some more. They are all parents (their kids have to be enrolled in Alpine School District for them to attend), work jobs, and still come to class to learn English and get homework!!!! I just think the world of them.

#3 Thing - I have submitted an application for graduate school. I should find out soon whether or not I've made it in (please cross your fingers for me), but I have been going nearly crazy waiting. I turned in the application on January 10, but I feel like they need to tell me soon, or I will just fall to pieces.

#4 Thing - I have probably read over a hundred books in two months, because I have LOADS of time on my hands. Not something that I can shout from the rooftops, I mean, this is something that is almost embarrassing when you look at all of the part-time job opportunities I could have gotten, had I the motivation to get them. Anyway, you sow what you reap. My reaping consists of thousands of pages read of books that I wouldn't ever read again. Boo.

Now, I think that I need to seriously rearrange my life to something more bearable, including another job and finding out if I got into grad school, and having more money to do the things I want to do this fall. STRUCTURE is what I need, because if I don't have it, my life is too easily wasted away, day by day.

I've updated, but I still feel like a technical writer. Say what needs to be said, and no more. Ha. I should try and apply for a job where I can do that all day. Except it would be boring. Like this blog.

NEW GOAL (Set Wednesday, February 24th, 2010, but almost Thursday, February 25th, 2010)

I WILL NOT WRITE ABOUT BORING THINGS IN MY BLOG FROM THIS TIME FORWARD. I AM NOW ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE ABOUT THINGS THAT I WOULD ENJOY READING (I.E. NOT TECHNICAL WRITING).

So, from the beginning of this blog to the end I've changed my mind (or maybe realized that the above was me trying to reassure myself that I'm not really as boring as I seem). Either way, a blog is for the reader, not the writer, and I either have to follow my new goal, or I have to give up blogging....

I'll take another stab at it.

P.S. Does anyone know of any good part-time jobs out there? I'm sucking at finding them. Or there is none left. Whelp, the early bird gets the worm, and the late bird gets no money for fall semester.

"To Love Is To Be Vulnerable"

I recently found a quote by C.S. Lewis, and it made me stop and reflect. Often times, I'll bemoan my incompetency to be like everyone else (y'know, ride on the bandwagon of marriage). I am not super old, not even 23 years old, but there are frustrating times in my life when I just wish for things I do not have. I could fault all of the men on this planet, listing the initiatives they don't take, etc, but when I read this quote, I wondered about my own ability to be brave and let my walls down long enough for someone to come in. It struck me hard.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

It is so true, and I am the type of person who keeps herself from harm as much as she can. I hate being vulnerable, feeling helpless. I'm so stubborn at times, I just might win a mule in a contest. So, when I finally stop and think, I wonder: How much of my own heartache is brought on by my inability to be brave and truly put myself on the line? I can pretend all I want, but the walls have been and currently are firmly secure. When I am in control of the situation, I think I feel happy and secure, but am I truly loving?

I guess it's time for me to test it out, to be brave.

Trying to Straddle the Crossroads of Life

My title should say it all. I am at a point in my life again when I feel torn, confused and insecure. I want so badly to go one way, but the foot that is pointed in the other direction is the one that is actually moving me, dragging my body along unwillingly because my heart and my other foot want to stay rooted. I have to say that I do this do myself, but I am not sure why.

What is it that makes me act this way?

Probably the emptiness I feel. Sometimes it is so hard just to feel that life is meaningful. You go through the same routines every day hoping that something wonderful will happen, most of the time being disappointed. I wonder at times if there is something missing in what I'm doing with my life. Is everyone in my situation just as apprehensive as I?

I had a great Sunday school lesson this past week. It focused on the passing of the mantle of President of the church from Joseph Smith to Brigham Young. We talked about listening to the spirit and knowing the will of the Lord. Someone made the comment on how often what the natural man wants is very different from what the Lord wants. I couldn't help but think that that comment was made for me.

I am a weak person. I know this. I want to be strong, but I fall short because I get scared and doubt the Lord's plan for me. I truly know deep in my heart that he has something wonderful for me, but I can't see it right away and it worries me.

It's time to bolster up my strength and move forward with my life in the best way I know how, one scary step at a time.

Growing Up

This morning, my 8 almost 9 year old sister came in to my room I was trying to get the willpower to get out of bed. My feet were cold, so she sat on them to get them warm, lol. But the coolest part about it was that I got to talk with her for a few minutes. We had Family Home Evening yesterday evening, and I stayed for the lesson, but I had to devote the rest of my night to a project due in for my class today, when my family watched Horton Hears a Who. She was kind of bummed that I didn't get to watch it with them, and told me so by saying to me, "I wish that you didn't have so much homework." I told her, not surprisingly, "Yeah, I do too." She then asked me, "When are you going to be done with school?" I kind of laughed and tried to explain to her that I was planning, once I graduate, to go on to graduate school (which in 8-year-old terms is: school for kids who have graduated from college but don't want to find a job yet, lol). To which she replied, no words minced, "You're going to have to get a job anyway." I laughed pretty hard inside. I told her that I wanted to be an English teacher, the kind that teaches people that don't speak English as their first language, and if I wanted to do that, I needed to go to some more school.

Then I realized the opportunity to get to know my little sister more (It's such a blessing to get to know siblings so much younger than me, I love having the ability to see them grow up). I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, and this is what she said, "A bus driver, or maybe a vet, or maybe a teacher, or maybe an athlete." I love her so much! I love the limitless possibilities that come so easily as a child! I have missed the carefree days of being a child, when the sky's the limit, and the biggest worry you had was if your chores or homework were done. I love being an adult; it's provided me with freedom and independence in so many ways. It's been exciting and exhilarating at times. But it's also been confusing, frustrating, and even sorrowful at times.

I get what I like to call “Snow-sickness” sometimes. My freshman year at Snow College was a wonderful time when I first explored my independence and made life changes and decisions. I love Ephraim, and the wonderful little town it is, and the wonderful times that it brought me. The thing (or things) that I miss the very most are the people that I met down there. I have never felt so loved and needed as I did that year (outside of my family), and the friendships that I made there have impacted my life forever. Every once in a while, when I feel stressed and overwhelmed, I remember what it was like to be a freshman, but I can’t ever go back. That’s the tragedy of a situation like this. But I’ve moved on, they’ve moved on, EVERYONE moves on. So I remember with fondness the people that have influenced and changed me into who I am today, and I smile at the memories that will never fade. I love you guys. Thank you for being my friends.

Insomniac Tendencies

So, I have been super tired for about a week and a half straight. I have every good intention of getting to bed on time, but I can't seem to break my habit of not getting to bed before 11:30 (And that's a good time, usually it's around 1-2). I tell myself, "You're exhausted, it's time to get to bed," and the next thing I find myself doing is watching a miniseries on Youtube. Grrr. I don't think that I am an insomniac, I think I am just stupid when it comes to sleeping. But I'd rather do so many things than sleep. I think it's a waste of time and you could discover so many more things and develop so many more talents if you didn't have to sleep. I fear that I am trying to break free of my own mortal necessities, and miserably failing to do so. Sleep limits me. (This is so random--it's like a poem in the middle of this blog) Anyway, I am really going to sleep tonight, because if I don't, I'll have an even more massive headache than I am sporting now. And that would not be fun.