The Longing Inside of All of Us

Due to some recent conversations with my mother and also a good friend of mine, I have been thinking a lot about the nature of relationships and why we feel the gamut of emotions that we do when we are falling in and out of love, getting our hearts broken, and pining for the ones that we lose. There are such extremes in these emotions, and one day we can be walking around with our heads in the clouds and the next we can have our own personal rain-clouds pouring out bad thoughts and feelings for us to think over and over again. Whether or not you have someone that you are romantically interested in, there is always a certain feeling that people have. The best way that I can describe it is longing.

In my almost 26 years, most of the heartache I've felt had to deal with longing. But longing for what? People might say that it's just a biological, animal urge that people have to find a mating partner. I don't believe that. Pure physicality does not even come close to describing the longing that I and others have felt. I did a Google Image search just typing in the word longing, and it came up with a lot of various images--none of which I thought were overtly sexual in nature. This affirmed to me what I already believed, that longing is much more than physical.

While I was thinking about these things, I remembered this animation project that I saw on YouTube last year. It's called Thought of You and it was animated by Ryan Woodward (The song is World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies, if you want to know). It is beautifully crafted and wonderful to watch. Many of the viewers have their own interpretation, but when I watch it, the feeling of longing overwhelms me. This is perfect depiction of the emotions that I feel. 

The man looks for the ghostly woman who slips through his fingers at every turn. As someone who has loved and lost, my heart reaches out to the man who just cannot attain what he seeks. The beauty of this short is the bittersweet empathy we feel due to the imagery and the music. Longing is an innate attribute, and I believe it is present in every human being. If there wasn't that longing inside of every person, I don't believe that we could emotionally connect to art such as this, nor would it be able to come into existence.

When you are longing, you feel like you are not whole, that there is a part of you that is missing. I know that everyone wonders at one point in time if they will be with a person who completes them. However, there is so much more to it. There is a spiritual and emotional part which goes beyond the need for companionship. It has to do with being complete as a human being. Completeness is a strong urge in all of us. There is always the drive to get to a state where we are fulfilled and happy. It's been a strong motivation in the history of the world. In a conversation that I had with my mother, she said that "we are all creatures desperate for completion...that's what keeps us pressing forward."

Longing. It's complex; it's beautiful; it's painful; it's human; it's real.

Flipped!

I read the book Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen recently (okay, not that recent, like the beginning of April), and I absolutely loved it. For those of you who haven't read it, it's a dual voiced book telling the story of Bryce Loski and Juli Baker from both of their perspectives ('one chapter him, one chapter her' type of thing, but they are using the same time frame). It's set mainly in junior high, but it has some build up from when they are younger. Because it's supposedly a 'teen romance' novel, I shied away from it for a while.

The premise is that Juli from her youngest years is crazy about Bryce, and he thinks she's nothing less than a pest. But there are some events that happen which change their feelings for each other to the complete opposite of what they were before, hence the whole "flipped" thing.

Yes, there is a romance element to the story, but I felt a few deeper messages pervading the novel. You shouldn't judge others on what you believe to be true (whether it is or not). Another I found was similar to the theme of Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli, that although not usually popular, you can learn to love life best from a genuine and unique person.

I found it more of a coming of age story than a teen romance, but it was very good nonetheless (and probably because it wasn't what it seemed).

Now.
I didn't really write this because of my love of childrens literature, but because I realized how "flipped" my own observations and outlook on life have become.

So...the boy at work who I thought it might be good to take on a date and get to know better?
He has a girlfriend. And might have when I asked him on a date. Or was about to. I don't know, it doesn't make sense to me because I would think that he might not have said 'yes' if he been dating his girlfriend. But he's supposedly has been dating her since February.

My life is like Juli Baker's. Totally skewed on what reality was. After I mulled over it for a couple of days, I realized some things like: why he wouldn't really talk to me after our date, why it was so hard to bring up conversation for a long time...ugh. Yeah.

And then I realized that it wasn't going anywhere, but then he started asking me for rides all of the time. And we had good conversation. Like he enjoyed being around me. Dang. So I'm flipped (and maybe he is a little as well, but not as much as Bryce Loski).

(This was probably supposed to have been written about a month ago, but shhhh, don't tell. I'll catch you up on the other amazing :S aspects of my life soon)

5 Months and Many Experiences Later...

So, I haven't written on this blog for almost exactly 5 months. For some reason, I thought that if I had a blog I would write in it more than my journal, but so far, that has definitely NOT been the case.

Okay, down to business.

#1- I am not going to Vienna in the fall. I've known that since the end of March, and hopefully anyone who cares enough to read this blog should know by now.

#2- I am going to be able to graduate by December. Yay and boo, because it will be awesome to have accomplished something, but then I have to quit my job at the library AND find a job in the current market. That is for sure a boo moment.

3#- I still need to find an internship to graduate. I don't have much time left, but going both Spring and Summer terms have not helped in this regard. I've been so busy between school and work, I haven't thought about it much, and now I have to basically rush it in the end.

Business is over. Now for fun!

Cool things coming up-

I am going to hike Timpanogos with a friend this coming Friday (so, a week from today). I have done it once before, and it was an awesome experience, but quite long. I am hoping that it won't take quite as long round trip (last time it was 12 hours!), and I'm really hoping it won't rain that day either. Really, if it starts to rain with thunder and lightning, the last place I want to be is on top of one of Utah's highest peaks!! But, I'm praying and hoping that it will be clear.

We're going to take the Aspen Trail up to the summit. Here's a map of the hike.

It looks really long, but it is about 16 1/2 miles round trip, which isn't too bad. And the view is so spectacular from the top, and gives you such a sense of accomplishment, that I'm even willing to brave rain and the long hike just to get to the top again.

I am also going to the Martin Harris Pageant in Clarkston, UT next week as well. It's going to be the day after Timp, so hopefully I won't be too wiped out from the hike, but I'm really excited about this too. As far I as know, it is similar to the Manti pageant in the fact that it is live action, but I don't know if the actors have speaking lines, or if it is all a prerecorded track like the Manti pageant. My dad and brother have seen it, and they really liked it, so I think it will be very good.

Other exciting things (that are good, but just not as cool as Timp and the Martin Harris pageant)-

I have only one class left before the end of Summer Term. Yay! I have almost successfully survived going Spring and Summer terms! It is a big day for me, because I have to give a 5-7 minute presentation on a paper I haven't written yet. :S Well, you know me, I've gotta keep things exciting! LOL.

My sister comes home tomorrow. She's been gone for about 2 weeks straight now, first with Girl's Camp and straight after that she went to Catalina Island with a friend, and I've missed her horribly!!

Another awesome thing- My brother gets home in exactly 3 months! Oh, I miss that kid so much.

Okay, I'm done.

Growing Up

This morning, my 8 almost 9 year old sister came in to my room I was trying to get the willpower to get out of bed. My feet were cold, so she sat on them to get them warm, lol. But the coolest part about it was that I got to talk with her for a few minutes. We had Family Home Evening yesterday evening, and I stayed for the lesson, but I had to devote the rest of my night to a project due in for my class today, when my family watched Horton Hears a Who. She was kind of bummed that I didn't get to watch it with them, and told me so by saying to me, "I wish that you didn't have so much homework." I told her, not surprisingly, "Yeah, I do too." She then asked me, "When are you going to be done with school?" I kind of laughed and tried to explain to her that I was planning, once I graduate, to go on to graduate school (which in 8-year-old terms is: school for kids who have graduated from college but don't want to find a job yet, lol). To which she replied, no words minced, "You're going to have to get a job anyway." I laughed pretty hard inside. I told her that I wanted to be an English teacher, the kind that teaches people that don't speak English as their first language, and if I wanted to do that, I needed to go to some more school.

Then I realized the opportunity to get to know my little sister more (It's such a blessing to get to know siblings so much younger than me, I love having the ability to see them grow up). I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, and this is what she said, "A bus driver, or maybe a vet, or maybe a teacher, or maybe an athlete." I love her so much! I love the limitless possibilities that come so easily as a child! I have missed the carefree days of being a child, when the sky's the limit, and the biggest worry you had was if your chores or homework were done. I love being an adult; it's provided me with freedom and independence in so many ways. It's been exciting and exhilarating at times. But it's also been confusing, frustrating, and even sorrowful at times.

I get what I like to call “Snow-sickness” sometimes. My freshman year at Snow College was a wonderful time when I first explored my independence and made life changes and decisions. I love Ephraim, and the wonderful little town it is, and the wonderful times that it brought me. The thing (or things) that I miss the very most are the people that I met down there. I have never felt so loved and needed as I did that year (outside of my family), and the friendships that I made there have impacted my life forever. Every once in a while, when I feel stressed and overwhelmed, I remember what it was like to be a freshman, but I can’t ever go back. That’s the tragedy of a situation like this. But I’ve moved on, they’ve moved on, EVERYONE moves on. So I remember with fondness the people that have influenced and changed me into who I am today, and I smile at the memories that will never fade. I love you guys. Thank you for being my friends.