Flipped!

I read the book Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen recently (okay, not that recent, like the beginning of April), and I absolutely loved it. For those of you who haven't read it, it's a dual voiced book telling the story of Bryce Loski and Juli Baker from both of their perspectives ('one chapter him, one chapter her' type of thing, but they are using the same time frame). It's set mainly in junior high, but it has some build up from when they are younger. Because it's supposedly a 'teen romance' novel, I shied away from it for a while.

The premise is that Juli from her youngest years is crazy about Bryce, and he thinks she's nothing less than a pest. But there are some events that happen which change their feelings for each other to the complete opposite of what they were before, hence the whole "flipped" thing.

Yes, there is a romance element to the story, but I felt a few deeper messages pervading the novel. You shouldn't judge others on what you believe to be true (whether it is or not). Another I found was similar to the theme of Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli, that although not usually popular, you can learn to love life best from a genuine and unique person.

I found it more of a coming of age story than a teen romance, but it was very good nonetheless (and probably because it wasn't what it seemed).

Now.
I didn't really write this because of my love of childrens literature, but because I realized how "flipped" my own observations and outlook on life have become.

So...the boy at work who I thought it might be good to take on a date and get to know better?
He has a girlfriend. And might have when I asked him on a date. Or was about to. I don't know, it doesn't make sense to me because I would think that he might not have said 'yes' if he been dating his girlfriend. But he's supposedly has been dating her since February.

My life is like Juli Baker's. Totally skewed on what reality was. After I mulled over it for a couple of days, I realized some things like: why he wouldn't really talk to me after our date, why it was so hard to bring up conversation for a long time...ugh. Yeah.

And then I realized that it wasn't going anywhere, but then he started asking me for rides all of the time. And we had good conversation. Like he enjoyed being around me. Dang. So I'm flipped (and maybe he is a little as well, but not as much as Bryce Loski).

(This was probably supposed to have been written about a month ago, but shhhh, don't tell. I'll catch you up on the other amazing :S aspects of my life soon)

Some Excellent News but also Confessions of an Insecure Female

Warning: this may sound like a pity pot to some of you, but I'm only writing this to let my emotions out. Take what you will from it.

I've been feeling rather insecure lately. I don't know why it happens so often. I start doubting myself and others' judgment of me with a severely critical eye. I lose faith in what people think about me (which shouldn't happen anyway, because the only thing that should matter is what my Heavenly Father thinks of me), and I begin thinking about all of the bad habits and behaviors I have and perpetuate in my life . I think that I have far too many to correct and that no one will want to put up with that.

Most of what I just said is rubbish, and I know that many people love me and love to be around me. But I guess I get down on myself the most when I've put myself in a vulnerable spot. Which I just have.

I went a on a date recently, a.k.a. my "miracle of miracles" mentioned in my last post. It was with the guy from work. I actually asked him out, due to a fortunate change of plans. I had planned to go with my sister to a Divine Comedy (a BYU improv group) show this past Friday, but then she couldn't go with me, so I thought, "Hey, I could ask ______ (insert tall, cute, and nice boy from work's name) to go with me, and it would be really casual, and it would actually give me a chance to get to know him better!"

I was super nervous to ask him, mostly because I hadn't asked a boy on a date since the summer after my Senior year of high school. I managed to still ask him in a fairly (I think, at least) collected manner, and he not only accepted, but offered to make/take me out to dinner beforehand. He also had to cancel some plans he had with his sister, but he didn't seem like that would be too much of a problem. I came home from work elated, really looking forward to the date.

So we went out. And it was a really good date. But I'm not sure if it was a fantastic one (aka: come away from it knowing that it will go somewhere). I came away from it thinking that he was even cooler than I thought he was before, and besides being really attracted to him and knowing that he's a gentleman, I also think that he would an awesome friend.

But I have no idea what he thought of it. And it's causing me to mentally bash my head against the wall, because I don't. People have been asking me, "Hey, did he say, 'Let's do something again'?", to which I can honestly say, "No, he didn't." The people I've talked to then kind of don't know what to say after that. And neither do I.

I still will see him for the next 6 weeks at work, and I think that I could actually talk to him now (haha, I'm so dumb sometimes), but I really like him and I don't even know if he'd like me for a friend.

So, my mind takes me back to my insecurities. Where I feel like I'm so weird and unattractive sometimes (or always, haha). I know it's because I've put myself on the line. It's like I'm on a podium advertising myself, but I'm not quite sure that I'm a good investment. I've gotta get out of this rut. I need to be okay with being on the line, being a little insecure, and feeling a little vulnerable.

I found an old blog post from about 7 months ago, which is really appropriate for now. My feelings about vulnerability haven't changed much from then. Only now, I'm not safeguarding my heart like I did back then. It's a scary feeling, but the weirdest part is: I really want to want to be vulnerable, as least regarding putting myself out there. It's no fun to be sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone play but you. I'm not that kind of girl anymore, I want to live life, and not just let it pass me by. Phew. Sigh. Ugh. I dunno.

The Proof Is In The Pudding

So friends, I have some good news. I have been accepted into BYU's TESOL Certificate program for fall semester. That means I am about to embark on my quest to attain a Master's Degree in TESOL. The certificate program is a prerequisite for the Master's program, so it's all in the plans. I'm super excited to start school again, I've missed it terribly.

Funny thing is, I haven't actually gotten an official letter/email telling me so. I know I've been accepted due to a trick I learned from BYU's 100 Hour Board. I simply just checked StalkerNet (BYU's online student directory). When I heard this trick, it had only been for those who were looking to find if they had gotten accepted as a undergrads, but I thought it might work for me as well. I'd been checking it daily for about 2 weeks now, hoping to see my name pop up, when searching for the name Lutz (there's only a handful of them, including faculty and staff).

I hadn't seen my name most of the times I searched it, but then yesterday night (Thursday*) I tried for a second time that day. All of a sudden I saw my name and email. It took me back a little, and then I realized, "Sarah, you got in!!!"

I browsed around the BYU site for a while, and then I realized I had a link for registration (which I hadn't had before). I click on the Student Summary and up pops this:

At that point I realized it was a for sure thing, and not just a fluke. I know StalkerNet should have been enough, but I'm a compulsive worrywart. I ALWAYS need to double-check. Just comes with the territory.

Now the only thing I need to worry about is getting enough money to go to school...but I am trying to hurdle that problem already.

*Thursday was a fantastic day beyond me getting into grad school, I also had something I jokingly refer to as the "miracle of miracles" happen that night. But, THAT, my friends, will make it into my next blog post. :D

Batchin' It

So, I am officially a townie for a week. Yes, you heard me correctly. My grandparents are out of town this week, so my sister, Catie, and I are the official plant/housesitters for them. We started yesterday, and already there are a few things that have been weird (aka: hard to get used to).

It's weird always having cell phone reception. I haven't had this experience for about 3 years now, and even back when I did when I was at Snow College, no one ever texted/called me, so it didn't even really matter. Maybe I have more friends now, ;)

It's weird not having someone around all of the time. At least when I'm at home, I hang out with my mom, but now it's just me, because Cate's at work. I work at nights, so it's like the passing of two ships in the night, quite literally.

It's weird that everything is so close. At home, it's a 15 minute drive to anywhere. Here it's 5, and that's generous. I keep on trying to plan out how much time I need to get to the places I need, and I can't. Let's just say I'm a little disoriented right now.

It's weird that I have a sweet car at my disposal. I don't have to plan around anyone else's schedule. This is a good kind of weird, but it's weird nonetheless. I love having a non-scuzzy car!

Anyway, this is a great/weird thing for me, but I'm not sure that I will want to go back at the end of the week but then again, maybe I will.

I already miss:

the mountain view
the peacefulness at night
my mom's food
being around people all the time

Well, whether or not this was boring or not, I am just trying to keep up blogging. It's easier the more you do it. I love you all. Have a fantastic day. 

Secret Admirer

So at work last night, I was told that someone asked if I was married or single. I don't wear a ring, but guess that doesn't mean much these days. The site coordinator told me with a gleam in her eye, really excited about the information she was giving me, but then told me that the person wished to remain anonymous. As in, (as told to me by the coordinator) "No, please, please, please, don't tell her who was asking!!!!"

Hmmm, I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling about this. Especially because my coordinator was like, "Hey, do you want me to tell him to ask you out?" I answered with a vague, "Well, I don't know who it is, so I couldn't tell you either way..." There are not very many males at my work, so the possibility of me knowing who it is, is pretty much certain.

The saddest part is it can't be the person I'd love for it to be. There's a really cute and nice boy that's my age who's a co-worker of mine, and I kind of have a secret crush on him myself...ironic as it may seem. I would really like him to ask me out, but he already knows that I'm single. So that cancels his name off the list, much to my chagrin.

I just don't what to think about the whole thing. I've come up with a few candidates, and I don't know which one is the best or the worst.

Candidate #1 - One of my students. There are 5 guys that come regularly to my class. I suspect at least 3 of them are over 40, so that's a little weird. The other ones are most likely in their 30s. But they are all parents, because their kids have to be members of the school district. I am a little weirded out, especially because I would never date any of my students. Besides being unethical, it would just be strange.

Candidate #2 - Some other student in another class. That's a very stretching assumption, but it could happen. But I think it's probably not a good theory.

Candidate #3 - The random janitor that talked to me that one time. He might want to know whether or not I was single, but I pegged him at about 35 the first time I saw him (and I'm usually right), and I wasn't so interested.

Candidate #4 - It's really the cute guy that's my age, and he's just double checking. Problem is, the coordinator was telling me all about this when he was around, so it doesn't seem likely. It's my favorite theory, though. :)

Vote for your favorite, give me some feedback. Haha. My life all of a sudden got more exciting, but I'm not sure I like the way it's going. I'll keep you updated.

P.S. For all of you that follow my blog faithfully (Rachel), this is an unprecedented event. I actually posted 2 days in a row.

Blogging? What's That?

Apparently that is what my brain says. Because it's been almost three months since my last blog, and it hasn't phased me until this point. I don't know why, but I feel obligated to write about what I feel are important things in my life, and for the last three months, I haven't felt like I've had any life-shattering experience that would be awesome to share with anyone that reads my blog. But now I've realized: Blogs aren't necessarily for the readers, they're more for the writer.

I mean, a blog can be amusing, especially if you can convey emotion in your writing, but I think I fail at humor writing. I'd rather write the deep thoughts swirling around in my brain. I write poetry that no one reads, and write about cool things that might happen, rather than the actual events which I've experienced. I've made a goal to actually tell you what I've been up to, rather than sidestep reality.

#1 Thing - I've officially graduated from BYU. Yay, let's pull out the party hats. Except I haven't walked yet, so no one even knows. Sometimes I have a hard time thinking I have. The only things that even make me believe that I've done it are the fact that the diploma is framed on my wall, and the fact that I now only have a part time job, and no classes or homework to stress about.

#2 Thing - As mentioned above, I actually found a part time job with Alpine School District in January. I teach English to adults who are second language learners (like an ESL setting). I have on average about 15 students that come, and I teach them on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. They are so cool, and I'm always energized when I get home, because they make teaching fun for me.

Side Note: I need to brag about them some more. They are all parents (their kids have to be enrolled in Alpine School District for them to attend), work jobs, and still come to class to learn English and get homework!!!! I just think the world of them.

#3 Thing - I have submitted an application for graduate school. I should find out soon whether or not I've made it in (please cross your fingers for me), but I have been going nearly crazy waiting. I turned in the application on January 10, but I feel like they need to tell me soon, or I will just fall to pieces.

#4 Thing - I have probably read over a hundred books in two months, because I have LOADS of time on my hands. Not something that I can shout from the rooftops, I mean, this is something that is almost embarrassing when you look at all of the part-time job opportunities I could have gotten, had I the motivation to get them. Anyway, you sow what you reap. My reaping consists of thousands of pages read of books that I wouldn't ever read again. Boo.

Now, I think that I need to seriously rearrange my life to something more bearable, including another job and finding out if I got into grad school, and having more money to do the things I want to do this fall. STRUCTURE is what I need, because if I don't have it, my life is too easily wasted away, day by day.

I've updated, but I still feel like a technical writer. Say what needs to be said, and no more. Ha. I should try and apply for a job where I can do that all day. Except it would be boring. Like this blog.

NEW GOAL (Set Wednesday, February 24th, 2010, but almost Thursday, February 25th, 2010)

I WILL NOT WRITE ABOUT BORING THINGS IN MY BLOG FROM THIS TIME FORWARD. I AM NOW ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE ABOUT THINGS THAT I WOULD ENJOY READING (I.E. NOT TECHNICAL WRITING).

So, from the beginning of this blog to the end I've changed my mind (or maybe realized that the above was me trying to reassure myself that I'm not really as boring as I seem). Either way, a blog is for the reader, not the writer, and I either have to follow my new goal, or I have to give up blogging....

I'll take another stab at it.

P.S. Does anyone know of any good part-time jobs out there? I'm sucking at finding them. Or there is none left. Whelp, the early bird gets the worm, and the late bird gets no money for fall semester.

5 Months and Many Experiences Later...

So, I haven't written on this blog for almost exactly 5 months. For some reason, I thought that if I had a blog I would write in it more than my journal, but so far, that has definitely NOT been the case.

Okay, down to business.

#1- I am not going to Vienna in the fall. I've known that since the end of March, and hopefully anyone who cares enough to read this blog should know by now.

#2- I am going to be able to graduate by December. Yay and boo, because it will be awesome to have accomplished something, but then I have to quit my job at the library AND find a job in the current market. That is for sure a boo moment.

3#- I still need to find an internship to graduate. I don't have much time left, but going both Spring and Summer terms have not helped in this regard. I've been so busy between school and work, I haven't thought about it much, and now I have to basically rush it in the end.

Business is over. Now for fun!

Cool things coming up-

I am going to hike Timpanogos with a friend this coming Friday (so, a week from today). I have done it once before, and it was an awesome experience, but quite long. I am hoping that it won't take quite as long round trip (last time it was 12 hours!), and I'm really hoping it won't rain that day either. Really, if it starts to rain with thunder and lightning, the last place I want to be is on top of one of Utah's highest peaks!! But, I'm praying and hoping that it will be clear.

We're going to take the Aspen Trail up to the summit. Here's a map of the hike.

It looks really long, but it is about 16 1/2 miles round trip, which isn't too bad. And the view is so spectacular from the top, and gives you such a sense of accomplishment, that I'm even willing to brave rain and the long hike just to get to the top again.

I am also going to the Martin Harris Pageant in Clarkston, UT next week as well. It's going to be the day after Timp, so hopefully I won't be too wiped out from the hike, but I'm really excited about this too. As far I as know, it is similar to the Manti pageant in the fact that it is live action, but I don't know if the actors have speaking lines, or if it is all a prerecorded track like the Manti pageant. My dad and brother have seen it, and they really liked it, so I think it will be very good.

Other exciting things (that are good, but just not as cool as Timp and the Martin Harris pageant)-

I have only one class left before the end of Summer Term. Yay! I have almost successfully survived going Spring and Summer terms! It is a big day for me, because I have to give a 5-7 minute presentation on a paper I haven't written yet. :S Well, you know me, I've gotta keep things exciting! LOL.

My sister comes home tomorrow. She's been gone for about 2 weeks straight now, first with Girl's Camp and straight after that she went to Catalina Island with a friend, and I've missed her horribly!!

Another awesome thing- My brother gets home in exactly 3 months! Oh, I miss that kid so much.

Okay, I'm done.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

So, everyone has been blogging for some time now, I guess it's time that I jumped on the bandwagon. I am kind of excited actually. I just need to find out how to do all the cool stuff like change the backgrounds, etc, and then I think it'll be awesome. So, I just got accepted to the Vienna Study Abroad program through BYU, and I leave in the fall. I am determined to have the most awesome travelblog ever, but unless I start practicing that ain't gonna happen. So, here is my very first, albeit pointless, blog. HA!