Turning Over a New Leaf

Even though a storm just came through, I can't help but think that Spring is just around the corner. I can feel it in the air and I know that we have been seeing this:

but it will soon become this:

I'm surrounded by beauty where ever I look, and I have been so blessed with friends and family that help me along.

A good friend of mine talked to me earlier this week, and helped me realized that I need to stop worrying about the things I can't control and focus on things that will help me get to work and serve others. She told me that I should take care of myself, but then I should, like President Hinckley always said, "Forget [my]self and then go to work."

So I realized that I'd been getting out of the habit of reading my scriptures and saying my prayers regularly, and I needed to do those. On my date last Friday, I was kind of talking about how I'd love to be able to sing in a challenging group again, how I missed that part of my life, and he told me that if I asked, I would be able to receive. I was very grateful that he told me that. I made me realize that I need to be more spiritually minded, which is something I've kind of put on the back burner for a while.

I had a heart to heart with my Heavenly Father, who gave me his endless love and forgiveness, and also helped me see the things I need to put my life in order. I made some goals, and I think that they will help me become the person that I know I want to be.

1. Read the scriptures and study them out. They won't do me a lot of good if I don't apply them in my life. I want to receive revelation and inspiration in my life.

2. Have meaningful prayers both in the morning and right before I go to bed. I have so much to be grateful for, and so much to be guided in. And I know who I can tell both to.

3. Have an exercise regime that I will stick to. One of the most happy and successful time of my life happened when I exercised regularly. I feel better, I look better, and I am a generally happier person.

4. Work on developing my Christlike attributes. Preach My Gospel is amazing because in chapter 8, there is a list of attributes and a plan to become those attributes.

5. Be helpful in every opportunity. Service is one way to lose yourself, and forget all of the silly things that frustrate us. It's so hard to see out of myself, that I know that I really need to work on this goal.

6. Take my callings seriously. I have been doing them, but it's been with a reluctance. I feel like I could be doing so much more than I have, and if I could lose myself in the work, I can show Heavenly Father's love to those I serve.

7. Keep doing things/Make things happen. Lately, a lot of my life has been waiting for something to happen to me. I want to make things happen. I'm tired of sitting on my hind end watching the world go on without me.

I think that these things will get me to where I need to be. And I've been doing pretty good. Not perfect mind you, but I'm getting there. :)

P.S. I ran 1.5 miles on Wednesday and almost 3 today. If I keep going like this, I'm going to rock in the Live wElle 5K this year. I want to run it in sub 28 minutes.

Some Excellent News but also Confessions of an Insecure Female

Warning: this may sound like a pity pot to some of you, but I'm only writing this to let my emotions out. Take what you will from it.

I've been feeling rather insecure lately. I don't know why it happens so often. I start doubting myself and others' judgment of me with a severely critical eye. I lose faith in what people think about me (which shouldn't happen anyway, because the only thing that should matter is what my Heavenly Father thinks of me), and I begin thinking about all of the bad habits and behaviors I have and perpetuate in my life . I think that I have far too many to correct and that no one will want to put up with that.

Most of what I just said is rubbish, and I know that many people love me and love to be around me. But I guess I get down on myself the most when I've put myself in a vulnerable spot. Which I just have.

I went a on a date recently, a.k.a. my "miracle of miracles" mentioned in my last post. It was with the guy from work. I actually asked him out, due to a fortunate change of plans. I had planned to go with my sister to a Divine Comedy (a BYU improv group) show this past Friday, but then she couldn't go with me, so I thought, "Hey, I could ask ______ (insert tall, cute, and nice boy from work's name) to go with me, and it would be really casual, and it would actually give me a chance to get to know him better!"

I was super nervous to ask him, mostly because I hadn't asked a boy on a date since the summer after my Senior year of high school. I managed to still ask him in a fairly (I think, at least) collected manner, and he not only accepted, but offered to make/take me out to dinner beforehand. He also had to cancel some plans he had with his sister, but he didn't seem like that would be too much of a problem. I came home from work elated, really looking forward to the date.

So we went out. And it was a really good date. But I'm not sure if it was a fantastic one (aka: come away from it knowing that it will go somewhere). I came away from it thinking that he was even cooler than I thought he was before, and besides being really attracted to him and knowing that he's a gentleman, I also think that he would an awesome friend.

But I have no idea what he thought of it. And it's causing me to mentally bash my head against the wall, because I don't. People have been asking me, "Hey, did he say, 'Let's do something again'?", to which I can honestly say, "No, he didn't." The people I've talked to then kind of don't know what to say after that. And neither do I.

I still will see him for the next 6 weeks at work, and I think that I could actually talk to him now (haha, I'm so dumb sometimes), but I really like him and I don't even know if he'd like me for a friend.

So, my mind takes me back to my insecurities. Where I feel like I'm so weird and unattractive sometimes (or always, haha). I know it's because I've put myself on the line. It's like I'm on a podium advertising myself, but I'm not quite sure that I'm a good investment. I've gotta get out of this rut. I need to be okay with being on the line, being a little insecure, and feeling a little vulnerable.

I found an old blog post from about 7 months ago, which is really appropriate for now. My feelings about vulnerability haven't changed much from then. Only now, I'm not safeguarding my heart like I did back then. It's a scary feeling, but the weirdest part is: I really want to want to be vulnerable, as least regarding putting myself out there. It's no fun to be sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone play but you. I'm not that kind of girl anymore, I want to live life, and not just let it pass me by. Phew. Sigh. Ugh. I dunno.

The Proof Is In The Pudding

So friends, I have some good news. I have been accepted into BYU's TESOL Certificate program for fall semester. That means I am about to embark on my quest to attain a Master's Degree in TESOL. The certificate program is a prerequisite for the Master's program, so it's all in the plans. I'm super excited to start school again, I've missed it terribly.

Funny thing is, I haven't actually gotten an official letter/email telling me so. I know I've been accepted due to a trick I learned from BYU's 100 Hour Board. I simply just checked StalkerNet (BYU's online student directory). When I heard this trick, it had only been for those who were looking to find if they had gotten accepted as a undergrads, but I thought it might work for me as well. I'd been checking it daily for about 2 weeks now, hoping to see my name pop up, when searching for the name Lutz (there's only a handful of them, including faculty and staff).

I hadn't seen my name most of the times I searched it, but then yesterday night (Thursday*) I tried for a second time that day. All of a sudden I saw my name and email. It took me back a little, and then I realized, "Sarah, you got in!!!"

I browsed around the BYU site for a while, and then I realized I had a link for registration (which I hadn't had before). I click on the Student Summary and up pops this:

At that point I realized it was a for sure thing, and not just a fluke. I know StalkerNet should have been enough, but I'm a compulsive worrywart. I ALWAYS need to double-check. Just comes with the territory.

Now the only thing I need to worry about is getting enough money to go to school...but I am trying to hurdle that problem already.

*Thursday was a fantastic day beyond me getting into grad school, I also had something I jokingly refer to as the "miracle of miracles" happen that night. But, THAT, my friends, will make it into my next blog post. :D

Restless

I'm feeling really restless lately. I have been content for so long, but now I feel like I don't know what I should be doing, or where I should be.

I know that I'm in the biggest limbo right now, waiting to find out whether or not I've gotten into grad school, and graduated, and all that implies. Thanks to a wonderful friend, I do have a job right now, but it's only two nights a week. So, I'm only working for 6 hours a week usually.

I want to do new things, and meet new people, and get out of this bubble/ivory tower/shell I've been in/built up/crawled into. I don't know if a change in location would fix it, or if I need to change my attitude.

I've been at my Grandma's for almost a week now, and I've liked the changes of increased freedom by way of having a car, and having cell phone service, but I still keep to myself. I've been in the house by myself most of the evenings, puttering around. I talked to my mom, and she was surprised, saying, "I thought you'd be making plans every night and hanging out with friends all of the time!"

This would be the case, except for that means I have to plan everything still. There's not a whole lot of spontaneity going on. I miss being able to walk to a friend's apartment, and say, "Hey, I'm doing nothing, you're doing nothing, let's go do something/go somewhere" or something along that line.

In short, I'm restless. And I don't know how to get out of this itchy/wanderlust/nagging feeling I'm experiencing.

I need some change.

Batchin' It

So, I am officially a townie for a week. Yes, you heard me correctly. My grandparents are out of town this week, so my sister, Catie, and I are the official plant/housesitters for them. We started yesterday, and already there are a few things that have been weird (aka: hard to get used to).

It's weird always having cell phone reception. I haven't had this experience for about 3 years now, and even back when I did when I was at Snow College, no one ever texted/called me, so it didn't even really matter. Maybe I have more friends now, ;)

It's weird not having someone around all of the time. At least when I'm at home, I hang out with my mom, but now it's just me, because Cate's at work. I work at nights, so it's like the passing of two ships in the night, quite literally.

It's weird that everything is so close. At home, it's a 15 minute drive to anywhere. Here it's 5, and that's generous. I keep on trying to plan out how much time I need to get to the places I need, and I can't. Let's just say I'm a little disoriented right now.

It's weird that I have a sweet car at my disposal. I don't have to plan around anyone else's schedule. This is a good kind of weird, but it's weird nonetheless. I love having a non-scuzzy car!

Anyway, this is a great/weird thing for me, but I'm not sure that I will want to go back at the end of the week but then again, maybe I will.

I already miss:

the mountain view
the peacefulness at night
my mom's food
being around people all the time

Well, whether or not this was boring or not, I am just trying to keep up blogging. It's easier the more you do it. I love you all. Have a fantastic day.