The Longing Inside of All of Us

Due to some recent conversations with my mother and also a good friend of mine, I have been thinking a lot about the nature of relationships and why we feel the gamut of emotions that we do when we are falling in and out of love, getting our hearts broken, and pining for the ones that we lose. There are such extremes in these emotions, and one day we can be walking around with our heads in the clouds and the next we can have our own personal rain-clouds pouring out bad thoughts and feelings for us to think over and over again. Whether or not you have someone that you are romantically interested in, there is always a certain feeling that people have. The best way that I can describe it is longing.

In my almost 26 years, most of the heartache I've felt had to deal with longing. But longing for what? People might say that it's just a biological, animal urge that people have to find a mating partner. I don't believe that. Pure physicality does not even come close to describing the longing that I and others have felt. I did a Google Image search just typing in the word longing, and it came up with a lot of various images--none of which I thought were overtly sexual in nature. This affirmed to me what I already believed, that longing is much more than physical.

While I was thinking about these things, I remembered this animation project that I saw on YouTube last year. It's called Thought of You and it was animated by Ryan Woodward (The song is World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies, if you want to know). It is beautifully crafted and wonderful to watch. Many of the viewers have their own interpretation, but when I watch it, the feeling of longing overwhelms me. This is perfect depiction of the emotions that I feel. 

The man looks for the ghostly woman who slips through his fingers at every turn. As someone who has loved and lost, my heart reaches out to the man who just cannot attain what he seeks. The beauty of this short is the bittersweet empathy we feel due to the imagery and the music. Longing is an innate attribute, and I believe it is present in every human being. If there wasn't that longing inside of every person, I don't believe that we could emotionally connect to art such as this, nor would it be able to come into existence.

When you are longing, you feel like you are not whole, that there is a part of you that is missing. I know that everyone wonders at one point in time if they will be with a person who completes them. However, there is so much more to it. There is a spiritual and emotional part which goes beyond the need for companionship. It has to do with being complete as a human being. Completeness is a strong urge in all of us. There is always the drive to get to a state where we are fulfilled and happy. It's been a strong motivation in the history of the world. In a conversation that I had with my mother, she said that "we are all creatures desperate for completion...that's what keeps us pressing forward."

Longing. It's complex; it's beautiful; it's painful; it's human; it's real.

New School Year

I have been dreading going back to work after a fantastic month long vacation, but I got an unexpected wave of excitement today, which I think I can attribute to:

1. I am starting a brand new class at the ELC (which is also stressful, but I feel more confident this time round). It's in the Academic program, and I'm teaching listening/speaking again. So a little something new, and little something old.

2. I am starting back at the Family Literacy Center again. I love those people so much. They always make my day better. I will also get some more hours this year, so I think I will be able to survive financially this year.

3. I am actually signed up for some fitness classes offered to BYU Faculty (which, I am, kind of.) I really want to get fit this year, because my metabolism has slowed down soooooo much. So, I am taking a zumba class T Th, and a strength training/flexibility class on M W F. I really hope that I can keep going because I really need to get off my butt and start being active.

I read my last post, and I feel like a completely different person than the person who wrote it. This has been a great summer of change, and I feel like I've learned a lot of important things this summer.

I finished the Book of Mormon this past July, and I am signed up for a Hinckley challenge to read it from cover to cover from September to December 31st. I am excited and hopeful for that. I have been able to show some more self-control concerning my daily studies, and I am planning to continue to do so.

This is the first fall semester I haven't been in classes. It's weird to think that I am a working woman (haha) now, but it's true. I am grateful for the opportunity to see what it's like, and then maybe it will motivate me one way or the other concerning getting my master's degree. I guess we'll see.

I am about to make some life-changing decisions, so I am glad I am not as busy as last year. If it weren't for my change of pace, I probably wouldn't have been able to the take the steps that I have in my life. I am happy with where I'm at. :)

Some people...

really. annoy. me. I went out to eat tonight with my roommate and her friend. I'd like to say he's my friend too, but he is really treating me like crap right now. Not outright, but I feel like he's tolerating me merely because of her. He rants on about how he hates people being patronzing, but he was patronizing to me ALL NIGHT! I was too young, too innocent, etc, etc, etc. I HATED it. I was about to stick it to him, but I couldn't bring myself to, because I want to be nice to everyone.

Excerpts from the night:

Me: (playfully) "I feel like you say things, just to irritate me"
Him: "No, I treat everyone like this. You're no different than anyone else"

After telling him about the spacing of the children in my family:

Him: "That explains a lot about you."
Me: "Would you like to explain why?"
Him: "No, I don't think so."

Later:

Me: "I shouldn't say it, you might not like what I have to say"
Him: "I couldn't care less. Say what you want."


I can't believe that I used to like him! He's an arrogant, pompous jerk! I feel like he is trying to find faults in me. Trying to make me want to spend as little time with him as possible. Well, it's working! This might sound conceited, but I've never had a person who dislikes my company. And I feel like he's trying to stick it me, saying, hey, I don't like you! I don't like you around!

I was trying to make it better by hanging out to make it friends-friends all the way around, but I can't stand him...I'm not going to hang out with him voluntarily anymore.

Confessions of a Not-So-Teenage Drama Queen

My roommate told me I'm dramatic. In everything I do or say. A little of this is said tongue in cheek, but truthfully, I'd have to say she's right. Question is: How did I get this way? Is this an inherant characteristic or was it shaped by my environment? Got some classic nature vs. nurture debate going on here. The only thing is, I don't know exactly which side I could support more.

I've been rather introspective lately, due to some re-evaluation of my life after doubting myself after yet another relationship debacle (Thank you Jenny, for reintroducing me to that fantastic word). I am such a goober. I think I'm ready for the world and then I realized how unprepared I am.

My roommate (the same one how told me I'm dramatic) and I have been talking a lot. She's very forthright with me and tells me exactly how she sees it. She tells me that I ward off guys that I think that I don't like, and that I always say bad things about and to myself concerning lots of things: body image, relationships, friendships, etc. I am really hard on myself, and make it deliberately that way.

Do I do it to put more drama in my life, because I'm a drama addict? Or do I put it as a safeguard against my true feelings which I hardly ever express to others? I really don't know. There's gonna be a lot of soulsearching going on this summer. Which is a good thing. I have spent most of my life trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, so it would be a good thing to find the person in my inmost core.

Well, I started to write because I was still wired from my nap today, and I am finally getting tired. Until next time, I'm signing off, hopefully to come back a more well-rounded me.

Mad World

I swear I am verifably insane. Mad in many senses of the word. I know that I only ever write on my blog to vent about boys, but it's more private than Facebook, and not very many people read it. I need to vent about my latest and "greatest," so if you don't care to continue reading you can stop now.

I had been head over heels for a boy that I am really good friends with for a long time, and then I finally got some closure with that (Thank goodness). However, whilst I was pining away over this guy, my roommates and close friends were all trying to steer in a new direction.

They said that I should totally date this guy who we saw often in our circle of friends. I was still trying to get over Boy #1, so I said I'd think about it, but as I began to hang out with him more, I really enjoyed his company. Thus the crush began.

He's not the best boy I've wanted to date, nor the worst, but he makes me laugh, and enjoys a lot of the things that I do. He's a lot different than a lot of the boys I've liked in the past, but I found that that wasn't as big of deal as it used to be. I felt like he was paying more attention to me, and I found that I enjoyed it greatly, but I should have known that this was just him being him. He's a shameless flirt. Red flag anyone?

Now that I've started being invested, I was seeking his company out more, and I guess I'm a little too much. I am also now realizing that he's more interested in my roommate than me. Go figure. Either that, or he is now uncomfortable with me because he realizes my interest,and like a wiggedy boy is running away while still shamelessly flirting with other girls. My gut tells me the first one is more correct, and it's rarely wrong.

AAAAAAAGHHHH! Why can't I ever pick a guy that is interested in me?!?!?!?!? Why? Why? Why? Why? Okay. I'm done. Whatever.

Celtic and Gaelic. From Ball, a place, a round elevation; and ard, high. The Gaelic word Ballart signifies noisy, boasting. Bal also signifies a lord, and ard, high.

Today's a Good One

Today is such a good day. I wanted to listen to this song over and over again.




It's kind of a weird music video, but the lyrics are what are important.

So, to make me feel this way:

1. I found out I can teach at the ELC this summer as a paid job! It's a guarantee they give to all of the students who finish the practicum, and I didn't know that until today. I actually will have a summer job!

2. A tough situation at work which was super stressful blew over today. It made me happy that there wasn't a lot of conflict or issues with the parties involved, and everybody is still employed, so it's great!

3. I got positive reviews on my teaching observation from a man that I really respect and admire. He told me, (direct quote) "You are meant to be in a classroom, Sarah." He also told me that he would be happy to have a student like me in his Master's Program. He gave some constructive criticism, but he did it in a way that I felt uplifted and happy, and I didn't feel like I had let him down or done horribly.

4. I get an awesome tax return this year. I love being able to have independent status this year! Best tax return ever.

5. Because of the previous point, I can nestle away that return in my savings account, so I can start building up funds for a car. Yay, I'm going to be that much closer to buying a car!

All of these things = happy. Like I am today.

Fuzzy

No, not the texture. The inability to see/understand things. It's a concept that we use over and over again in my semantics class. We don't know how to define meaning and what meaning's core truly is. How can you define that? I for sure don't know.

I can't even define what is happening in my own life right now.

A question I have been getting quite frequently these days: "Have you applied for the master's program?" Or a good variant, "You haven't applied for the master's program?"

And the verdict is: not yet. Yes, the deadline's passed, I realize this. But I still plan on applying, just not yet.

I didn't feel good about applying for it right now, and when I don't feel good about things, it's a pretty good indicator that God is trying to guide me in another direction. I just don't know what direction that is exactly, especially because this puts me out for an entire year.

Another thing: Just letting you know, (which you probably know anyways) relationships are not only fuzzy, they're messy.

I am in a rather difficult situation at the present. I expressed my feelings to a guy that I count as one of my good friends, and it's really up in the air right now. He initially told me that he didn't want anything to ruin our great friendship, which led me to believe that he only thinks of me as a friend. It hurt, I had my cry, but I was liberated by the fact that I now knew where we stood.

But he asked me to talk with him again this last week, and the parameters have shifted, and I'm not standing on solid ground anymore. He didn't say he was interested, but he wasn't sure if he wasn't. I'm dealing with a very confused guy here. We're close, but guess he has to decide whether our friendship can only be just that, or if he's looking for something else.

What are my plans? I don't know. What's going to happen next? I really don't know.

It's all really, really fuzzy.