Turning Over a New Leaf

Even though a storm just came through, I can't help but think that Spring is just around the corner. I can feel it in the air and I know that we have been seeing this:

but it will soon become this:

I'm surrounded by beauty where ever I look, and I have been so blessed with friends and family that help me along.

A good friend of mine talked to me earlier this week, and helped me realized that I need to stop worrying about the things I can't control and focus on things that will help me get to work and serve others. She told me that I should take care of myself, but then I should, like President Hinckley always said, "Forget [my]self and then go to work."

So I realized that I'd been getting out of the habit of reading my scriptures and saying my prayers regularly, and I needed to do those. On my date last Friday, I was kind of talking about how I'd love to be able to sing in a challenging group again, how I missed that part of my life, and he told me that if I asked, I would be able to receive. I was very grateful that he told me that. I made me realize that I need to be more spiritually minded, which is something I've kind of put on the back burner for a while.

I had a heart to heart with my Heavenly Father, who gave me his endless love and forgiveness, and also helped me see the things I need to put my life in order. I made some goals, and I think that they will help me become the person that I know I want to be.

1. Read the scriptures and study them out. They won't do me a lot of good if I don't apply them in my life. I want to receive revelation and inspiration in my life.

2. Have meaningful prayers both in the morning and right before I go to bed. I have so much to be grateful for, and so much to be guided in. And I know who I can tell both to.

3. Have an exercise regime that I will stick to. One of the most happy and successful time of my life happened when I exercised regularly. I feel better, I look better, and I am a generally happier person.

4. Work on developing my Christlike attributes. Preach My Gospel is amazing because in chapter 8, there is a list of attributes and a plan to become those attributes.

5. Be helpful in every opportunity. Service is one way to lose yourself, and forget all of the silly things that frustrate us. It's so hard to see out of myself, that I know that I really need to work on this goal.

6. Take my callings seriously. I have been doing them, but it's been with a reluctance. I feel like I could be doing so much more than I have, and if I could lose myself in the work, I can show Heavenly Father's love to those I serve.

7. Keep doing things/Make things happen. Lately, a lot of my life has been waiting for something to happen to me. I want to make things happen. I'm tired of sitting on my hind end watching the world go on without me.

I think that these things will get me to where I need to be. And I've been doing pretty good. Not perfect mind you, but I'm getting there. :)

P.S. I ran 1.5 miles on Wednesday and almost 3 today. If I keep going like this, I'm going to rock in the Live wElle 5K this year. I want to run it in sub 28 minutes.

Some Excellent News but also Confessions of an Insecure Female

Warning: this may sound like a pity pot to some of you, but I'm only writing this to let my emotions out. Take what you will from it.

I've been feeling rather insecure lately. I don't know why it happens so often. I start doubting myself and others' judgment of me with a severely critical eye. I lose faith in what people think about me (which shouldn't happen anyway, because the only thing that should matter is what my Heavenly Father thinks of me), and I begin thinking about all of the bad habits and behaviors I have and perpetuate in my life . I think that I have far too many to correct and that no one will want to put up with that.

Most of what I just said is rubbish, and I know that many people love me and love to be around me. But I guess I get down on myself the most when I've put myself in a vulnerable spot. Which I just have.

I went a on a date recently, a.k.a. my "miracle of miracles" mentioned in my last post. It was with the guy from work. I actually asked him out, due to a fortunate change of plans. I had planned to go with my sister to a Divine Comedy (a BYU improv group) show this past Friday, but then she couldn't go with me, so I thought, "Hey, I could ask ______ (insert tall, cute, and nice boy from work's name) to go with me, and it would be really casual, and it would actually give me a chance to get to know him better!"

I was super nervous to ask him, mostly because I hadn't asked a boy on a date since the summer after my Senior year of high school. I managed to still ask him in a fairly (I think, at least) collected manner, and he not only accepted, but offered to make/take me out to dinner beforehand. He also had to cancel some plans he had with his sister, but he didn't seem like that would be too much of a problem. I came home from work elated, really looking forward to the date.

So we went out. And it was a really good date. But I'm not sure if it was a fantastic one (aka: come away from it knowing that it will go somewhere). I came away from it thinking that he was even cooler than I thought he was before, and besides being really attracted to him and knowing that he's a gentleman, I also think that he would an awesome friend.

But I have no idea what he thought of it. And it's causing me to mentally bash my head against the wall, because I don't. People have been asking me, "Hey, did he say, 'Let's do something again'?", to which I can honestly say, "No, he didn't." The people I've talked to then kind of don't know what to say after that. And neither do I.

I still will see him for the next 6 weeks at work, and I think that I could actually talk to him now (haha, I'm so dumb sometimes), but I really like him and I don't even know if he'd like me for a friend.

So, my mind takes me back to my insecurities. Where I feel like I'm so weird and unattractive sometimes (or always, haha). I know it's because I've put myself on the line. It's like I'm on a podium advertising myself, but I'm not quite sure that I'm a good investment. I've gotta get out of this rut. I need to be okay with being on the line, being a little insecure, and feeling a little vulnerable.

I found an old blog post from about 7 months ago, which is really appropriate for now. My feelings about vulnerability haven't changed much from then. Only now, I'm not safeguarding my heart like I did back then. It's a scary feeling, but the weirdest part is: I really want to want to be vulnerable, as least regarding putting myself out there. It's no fun to be sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone play but you. I'm not that kind of girl anymore, I want to live life, and not just let it pass me by. Phew. Sigh. Ugh. I dunno.

The Proof Is In The Pudding

So friends, I have some good news. I have been accepted into BYU's TESOL Certificate program for fall semester. That means I am about to embark on my quest to attain a Master's Degree in TESOL. The certificate program is a prerequisite for the Master's program, so it's all in the plans. I'm super excited to start school again, I've missed it terribly.

Funny thing is, I haven't actually gotten an official letter/email telling me so. I know I've been accepted due to a trick I learned from BYU's 100 Hour Board. I simply just checked StalkerNet (BYU's online student directory). When I heard this trick, it had only been for those who were looking to find if they had gotten accepted as a undergrads, but I thought it might work for me as well. I'd been checking it daily for about 2 weeks now, hoping to see my name pop up, when searching for the name Lutz (there's only a handful of them, including faculty and staff).

I hadn't seen my name most of the times I searched it, but then yesterday night (Thursday*) I tried for a second time that day. All of a sudden I saw my name and email. It took me back a little, and then I realized, "Sarah, you got in!!!"

I browsed around the BYU site for a while, and then I realized I had a link for registration (which I hadn't had before). I click on the Student Summary and up pops this:

At that point I realized it was a for sure thing, and not just a fluke. I know StalkerNet should have been enough, but I'm a compulsive worrywart. I ALWAYS need to double-check. Just comes with the territory.

Now the only thing I need to worry about is getting enough money to go to school...but I am trying to hurdle that problem already.

*Thursday was a fantastic day beyond me getting into grad school, I also had something I jokingly refer to as the "miracle of miracles" happen that night. But, THAT, my friends, will make it into my next blog post. :D

Restless

I'm feeling really restless lately. I have been content for so long, but now I feel like I don't know what I should be doing, or where I should be.

I know that I'm in the biggest limbo right now, waiting to find out whether or not I've gotten into grad school, and graduated, and all that implies. Thanks to a wonderful friend, I do have a job right now, but it's only two nights a week. So, I'm only working for 6 hours a week usually.

I want to do new things, and meet new people, and get out of this bubble/ivory tower/shell I've been in/built up/crawled into. I don't know if a change in location would fix it, or if I need to change my attitude.

I've been at my Grandma's for almost a week now, and I've liked the changes of increased freedom by way of having a car, and having cell phone service, but I still keep to myself. I've been in the house by myself most of the evenings, puttering around. I talked to my mom, and she was surprised, saying, "I thought you'd be making plans every night and hanging out with friends all of the time!"

This would be the case, except for that means I have to plan everything still. There's not a whole lot of spontaneity going on. I miss being able to walk to a friend's apartment, and say, "Hey, I'm doing nothing, you're doing nothing, let's go do something/go somewhere" or something along that line.

In short, I'm restless. And I don't know how to get out of this itchy/wanderlust/nagging feeling I'm experiencing.

I need some change.

Batchin' It

So, I am officially a townie for a week. Yes, you heard me correctly. My grandparents are out of town this week, so my sister, Catie, and I are the official plant/housesitters for them. We started yesterday, and already there are a few things that have been weird (aka: hard to get used to).

It's weird always having cell phone reception. I haven't had this experience for about 3 years now, and even back when I did when I was at Snow College, no one ever texted/called me, so it didn't even really matter. Maybe I have more friends now, ;)

It's weird not having someone around all of the time. At least when I'm at home, I hang out with my mom, but now it's just me, because Cate's at work. I work at nights, so it's like the passing of two ships in the night, quite literally.

It's weird that everything is so close. At home, it's a 15 minute drive to anywhere. Here it's 5, and that's generous. I keep on trying to plan out how much time I need to get to the places I need, and I can't. Let's just say I'm a little disoriented right now.

It's weird that I have a sweet car at my disposal. I don't have to plan around anyone else's schedule. This is a good kind of weird, but it's weird nonetheless. I love having a non-scuzzy car!

Anyway, this is a great/weird thing for me, but I'm not sure that I will want to go back at the end of the week but then again, maybe I will.

I already miss:

the mountain view
the peacefulness at night
my mom's food
being around people all the time

Well, whether or not this was boring or not, I am just trying to keep up blogging. It's easier the more you do it. I love you all. Have a fantastic day. 

Secret Admirer

So at work last night, I was told that someone asked if I was married or single. I don't wear a ring, but guess that doesn't mean much these days. The site coordinator told me with a gleam in her eye, really excited about the information she was giving me, but then told me that the person wished to remain anonymous. As in, (as told to me by the coordinator) "No, please, please, please, don't tell her who was asking!!!!"

Hmmm, I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling about this. Especially because my coordinator was like, "Hey, do you want me to tell him to ask you out?" I answered with a vague, "Well, I don't know who it is, so I couldn't tell you either way..." There are not very many males at my work, so the possibility of me knowing who it is, is pretty much certain.

The saddest part is it can't be the person I'd love for it to be. There's a really cute and nice boy that's my age who's a co-worker of mine, and I kind of have a secret crush on him myself...ironic as it may seem. I would really like him to ask me out, but he already knows that I'm single. So that cancels his name off the list, much to my chagrin.

I just don't what to think about the whole thing. I've come up with a few candidates, and I don't know which one is the best or the worst.

Candidate #1 - One of my students. There are 5 guys that come regularly to my class. I suspect at least 3 of them are over 40, so that's a little weird. The other ones are most likely in their 30s. But they are all parents, because their kids have to be members of the school district. I am a little weirded out, especially because I would never date any of my students. Besides being unethical, it would just be strange.

Candidate #2 - Some other student in another class. That's a very stretching assumption, but it could happen. But I think it's probably not a good theory.

Candidate #3 - The random janitor that talked to me that one time. He might want to know whether or not I was single, but I pegged him at about 35 the first time I saw him (and I'm usually right), and I wasn't so interested.

Candidate #4 - It's really the cute guy that's my age, and he's just double checking. Problem is, the coordinator was telling me all about this when he was around, so it doesn't seem likely. It's my favorite theory, though. :)

Vote for your favorite, give me some feedback. Haha. My life all of a sudden got more exciting, but I'm not sure I like the way it's going. I'll keep you updated.

P.S. For all of you that follow my blog faithfully (Rachel), this is an unprecedented event. I actually posted 2 days in a row.

Blogging? What's That?

Apparently that is what my brain says. Because it's been almost three months since my last blog, and it hasn't phased me until this point. I don't know why, but I feel obligated to write about what I feel are important things in my life, and for the last three months, I haven't felt like I've had any life-shattering experience that would be awesome to share with anyone that reads my blog. But now I've realized: Blogs aren't necessarily for the readers, they're more for the writer.

I mean, a blog can be amusing, especially if you can convey emotion in your writing, but I think I fail at humor writing. I'd rather write the deep thoughts swirling around in my brain. I write poetry that no one reads, and write about cool things that might happen, rather than the actual events which I've experienced. I've made a goal to actually tell you what I've been up to, rather than sidestep reality.

#1 Thing - I've officially graduated from BYU. Yay, let's pull out the party hats. Except I haven't walked yet, so no one even knows. Sometimes I have a hard time thinking I have. The only things that even make me believe that I've done it are the fact that the diploma is framed on my wall, and the fact that I now only have a part time job, and no classes or homework to stress about.

#2 Thing - As mentioned above, I actually found a part time job with Alpine School District in January. I teach English to adults who are second language learners (like an ESL setting). I have on average about 15 students that come, and I teach them on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. They are so cool, and I'm always energized when I get home, because they make teaching fun for me.

Side Note: I need to brag about them some more. They are all parents (their kids have to be enrolled in Alpine School District for them to attend), work jobs, and still come to class to learn English and get homework!!!! I just think the world of them.

#3 Thing - I have submitted an application for graduate school. I should find out soon whether or not I've made it in (please cross your fingers for me), but I have been going nearly crazy waiting. I turned in the application on January 10, but I feel like they need to tell me soon, or I will just fall to pieces.

#4 Thing - I have probably read over a hundred books in two months, because I have LOADS of time on my hands. Not something that I can shout from the rooftops, I mean, this is something that is almost embarrassing when you look at all of the part-time job opportunities I could have gotten, had I the motivation to get them. Anyway, you sow what you reap. My reaping consists of thousands of pages read of books that I wouldn't ever read again. Boo.

Now, I think that I need to seriously rearrange my life to something more bearable, including another job and finding out if I got into grad school, and having more money to do the things I want to do this fall. STRUCTURE is what I need, because if I don't have it, my life is too easily wasted away, day by day.

I've updated, but I still feel like a technical writer. Say what needs to be said, and no more. Ha. I should try and apply for a job where I can do that all day. Except it would be boring. Like this blog.

NEW GOAL (Set Wednesday, February 24th, 2010, but almost Thursday, February 25th, 2010)

I WILL NOT WRITE ABOUT BORING THINGS IN MY BLOG FROM THIS TIME FORWARD. I AM NOW ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE ABOUT THINGS THAT I WOULD ENJOY READING (I.E. NOT TECHNICAL WRITING).

So, from the beginning of this blog to the end I've changed my mind (or maybe realized that the above was me trying to reassure myself that I'm not really as boring as I seem). Either way, a blog is for the reader, not the writer, and I either have to follow my new goal, or I have to give up blogging....

I'll take another stab at it.

P.S. Does anyone know of any good part-time jobs out there? I'm sucking at finding them. Or there is none left. Whelp, the early bird gets the worm, and the late bird gets no money for fall semester.